Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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