Your face is a jimmy john
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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