I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
