Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
