dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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