well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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