If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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