her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
