Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
