I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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