I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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