you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I think my moral compass just broke
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