dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
