There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
