you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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