oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
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