Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
