I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
