My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
