I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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