dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
