i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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