woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
