dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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