Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
