Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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