Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
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