just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
