All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
