Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
