why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
