if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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