i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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