New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
