i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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