I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
