he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
