at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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