obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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