I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
