I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
