i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
