so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
