Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
