this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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