I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
