Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
