you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
