she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
