Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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