Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
